How to Give Feedback to Inherently Defensive Human Beings

We as human beings often have a difficult time taking constructive feedback, even when we love our work and yearn to improve. In fact, I would say especially if we love our work and yearn to improve, it’s all too easy to have our feelings hurt in the process. As a reading intervention specialist, tutor mentor, writer, editor and publisher, I give and receive a lot of professional feedback. Today, I wanted to share my thoughts on some ways that you as the feedback giver can make it easier for the feedback receiver to be more receptive to the feedback you are providing. I wanted to share this post for anyone who is in a position where they have to provide others with professional development feedback, but especially for editors. 

So, here are some ways you as the feedback giver can not only soften the blow, but actually make the person you are giving feedback to more receptive. 

1. Avoid absolutes. I never say “you need to do this.” 
Why? Because, technically speaking, the writer (or employee, etc), doesn’t technically need to do anything. Especially for writers, it’s their story. It’s their vision, and they have the final say in how they want things to be. If they don’t like your feedback, they can publish their story elsewhere without ever implementing a single word you said. 

Instead, I would recommend using phrases like, “I would like to see…” “As a reader, I wanted/felt…” “You may want to…” “I would recommend…” or “The story could be better if…” 

Using this verbiage implies a suggestion rather than a demand. Even if it feels critical that the story has more or less of XYZ, if the writer feels defensive or attacked by your recommendation, they will be much more likely to struggle with fixing the issue in a productive, effective way, or they may disregard the suggestion altogether. 

If you’ve made the same suggestion before, I find it’s a helpful, gentle nudge to say, “Remember…” 

I would also recommend (see, I just did it ;)) adding an explanation (even if it’s a quick one) wherever possible. Being able to explain why you’re making the recommendations you are making allows the receiver a lens through which to view your perspective, which can help get them out of their head a little bit about their work. 

Caveat - As I mentioned earlier, we as human beings are built to have feelings. That means that, even if you do all the things above and you’re the gentlest feedback giver of all time, you may still hurt someone’s feelings. That’s okay. The important thing here is growth and intention. 

Note - Today’s post was written because I give and receive a lot of professional development feedback, and these are things that I have found useful in the feedback I share (and that I have sometimes wished someone else had thought about when giving me feedback). This is one style of providing feedback, and I do not in any way claim that it’s the best or most effective. What I have found is that these suggestions have made my feedback receivers much more receptive and appreciative of the feedback I provide.